Help! – My help was forgotten

Help! – My help was forgotten

By Rajesh Setty on Thu 07 Aug 2008, 4:00 AM – 7 Comments

Have you ever felt that you helped someone long ago and now they seem to have forgotten it completely?

Don’t worry. You are not alone. In fact, research (read: Robert Cialdini’s work on the topic) shows that – over time, value of help goes up in the mind of the giver and it goes down in the mind of the receiver.

Besides, few people will value help when given for free almost extending “you get what you pay for” to an extreme.

So, what can you do? You can handle this in many ways. Just being aware that the value of your help is going down in the mind of the receiver over a period of time will be a liberating feeling. Your own expectation of how much someone should value of your help over time is more realistic after this awareness.

Second, you can choose who you are helping. There is one class of people who you can totally avoid helping if reciprocation is what you are looking for. These are called CUE people (yes, we need to get a CLUE on CUE)

CUE = Consumers who are Ungrateful and think your help as an Entitlement

You help someone who is a CUE. The person will gladly receive your help but will be ungrateful and probably be thinking that it was your duty to help me – in other words he or she is entitled for that help.

You can go ahead and help them as long as you are not expecting any reciprocative behaviors.


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7 Comments so far, Add Yours

Bill Sherman  on August 7th, 2008

Hi Rajesh,

When you explained this concept in San Jose, you had my complete attention, and you’ve developed the idea even further.

I love the CUE acronym, it’s something that’s easy to remember. Are there ways to coach a CUE person to help them appreciate gifts and transform their expectations into gratitude?

Rajesh Setty  on August 7th, 2008

Hi Bill,

Look forward to seeing you VERY soon. Exciting.

Yes, you brought up a good point. Most people in the CUE category don’t have a clue that they are in the cue category.

What has helped me in the past is just to make them aware by telling stories of others who are in the CUE category and how they may be losing out.

Of course if they are in the CUE category with full knowledge and awareness, the question for us is “whether we want them in our network in the first place”



MIcah Solomon  on August 7th, 2008

“Expect Ingratitude” is a dale carnegie dictum that can bring you a lot of peace of mind.

However, as a business strategy, sometimes it helps to end a helping transaction with “I know you would do the same for me.”

MIcah Solomon  on August 7th, 2008

…or “I know this is important to you” or something along those lines that stresses the importance of what you are providing. Never, however, to the point of sounding grudging. Get to that point, and you may as well not assist.

Rajesh Setty  on August 7th, 2008

Thank you Micah for both the comments. I agree with you completely. In fact, Robert Cialdini talks about what you said in his latest book “Yes!”



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Ranjith’s Castle » Ju’s Came Across #3  on August 28th, 2008

[…] One on what is the value of your help to some one as seen by you and as seen by the person. Read the complete post. […]

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